I think, my problem isn't the others, it's me. I think that maybe I don't want to grow up and become an adult and independant. I like that people do everything for me. And I am afraid to be alone ... To be in a new place ...

I don't know if it's the most horrible day of my life. I don't think so but it stays awful ... I was exhausted because I'm trying to do the best I can do to improve my speaking skills in English and Dutch. I also continue to learn Spanish during my evening lessons and watch videos in Japanese too. It seems too much for my body. First, I didn't wake up when I had to and arrived late to school. Then, there was a boring presentation by the Minister of education and after that I've got trouble with my English teacher. Well, she was angry because I've been 3 minutes on Facebook when there was only a quarter left for the lesson. She was right I didn't have to be online. But I was really tired and couldn't use any relfexion to solve the exercise. And most of all it was a pair work and because I was late (I was exhausted remind you)  I was on my own. I tried to put me in the group at my right but they didn't really include me ... So I went on Facebook to spend my time 3 minutes and she saw it. She got angry she asked me "you're not working". What did you want me to say ... i said "yes". Then she went to another place I finished to send my message on FB and went to a website where I could find a Dutch manual  to do the exercise too shy to ask another ... Well at first I fought all the books had been split in the different groups.  At the end of the lesson, she asked me to stay and began to ask me on a really angry and bad tone "Why didn't you do anything". Even if I would have said the thruth she won't have been pleased with that ...  By explaining I was exhausted and she was getting on my nerve by treating me like the worst monster of the universe I began to cry. She still continued to say it was a bad behaviour and told me that I couldn't do everything I wanted and had to stop with something. I went to the babbelkot to improve my Dutch and do Spanish class because I love my classmates there and the great and kind teacher. The opposite of my English teacher ... Why would have to stop the only thing that makes me happy ... If I have to stop something it would be the babbelkot then. I just wanted to improve my Dutch but I prefer my Spanish and Japanese languages. I hate her ...

Sinds meer dan twee maanden kan ik eigenlijk niet meer goed slapen. Ik voel me ongerust omwille van alles in verband met mijn toekomst en mijn opleiding op school. Soms denk ik echt dat ik gek zal worden ... Ik heb ook de indruk dat ik meer in het Nederlands en het Engels ben dan het Frans per dag.  Ik denk soms in het Engels, ik lees boeken in het Engels en ik kijk naar Inazuma eleven in het Nederlands. Toch, denk ik ook dat ik minder goed spreek in de talen dag na dag. Ik heb even hoofdpijn vandaag voor deze reden. Ik wil lerares Nederlands en Engles worden maar ik ben gewoon bang voor mijn eigen medeleerlingen te spreken. Wat een probleem voor iemand die zijn droom niet wil opgeven !!!

I still worry about everything and don't know what is the right thing to do. I just want to hide or go anywhere else to have a life change for once. When I come back to school, I just want to forget everything and go away where I can be alone and free. I try to survive with my japanese passion for animes, dramas and series but it stays difficult.

I decided to do this message in English to say how much I love languages and learning it. I like reading books watchings series and movies and speaking. Well not really in Dutch because I don't speak very well. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm fond of it. It's my whole world. And now, I feel everything is collapsing. I hate that feeling. Sometimes I feel nearly fine and other times I just want to disapear under the next train I have to take to school. It's awful. Actually, I feel everything is awful right now. But I don't know what to do. My grandmother, my dad, my mom and even my brother want me to continue but it's hard, so hard. Only the idea makes my stomach aches and makes me cry. 

What is so hard, then. Well that's speaking in Dutch and teaching languages to kids without knowing if the do like me.  I like working alone because I don't believe in others. I had a bad experience at primary school and it's like a scar in my chest.

So the question I've been asking me since Christmas is "are you sure you want to continue like this because I think your heart is telling you, you can't and it is making you sick! "